Where is the Love y'all??!!

A really good fren... heck... best fren told me a story this afternoon... i don't know whether this is confidential or anything but i promise i won't say his name out... he told me about wat happened last night... he said he went to visit a fren... and that fren is a girl... which i don't know who... anyhoo... he told me that they were outside of the girls house.... by her invatation of course... he told me that he refused her invite to many times... so y not just pay her a visit for the last time.... like i was saying... they were outside of the girls house.... talking, chatting, and wat not... and he told me that before he leaves... the girl request for a last good bye hug... and of course... as a gentleman... he kindly grants her request... after the hug... thing went abit wild... he told me that the girl started to lean forward and tried to make out with him... but as we all know... he was already taken... and he is still now... but of course... he knows that too... before the girl was able to land the kiss... he told her that they shouldn't be doing this... that it was bad for the both of them... and the girl stoped and retreated home by saying a quick good bye and a sad face...
he told me that he feels bad by not kissing her... i mean not granting wat she wants... but as a man... he kept his loyalty to his lover...

i realise something right after he told me that... i realise that the girl who he loves now... don't know how lucky she was.. no... IS... to have a boyfren like him... for the 1st time in my life... i've never seen such compation, honesty, loyalty to the one person that he loves... i realise that he was greatful to wat he has and wat he haves now... butin the other hand... i realised something else... wat about me??? y couldn't i feel wat he feels now??? y couldn't i feel inpoetant to somebody's life... someones waiting for him somewhere else... y can't someone be waiting for me???

For 19 years... i feel empty, though sometimes my frenz cheer me up... and when we share secrets like brothers do... i found out that i can never relate... my fren ask me a question right after he told me that story... he asked "how do u know when your really in love???"... i sat there... thinking... and i asked myself the same question... how do i know when i'm in love???... nothing... i felt empty... useless... like i couldn't contribute anything.... i realise that... i am just a pupet of man... and objected being used... and when their done with me... they'll just put me a side... hopeless...

But for 1 thing... i do a appreciate wat my frenz done for me... but in a point... i realise that i'm just like a tin man... i have no heart and i can never feel love.... to be honest... im just jealous... i've been saying this for more then 15 years... jealous... of all my frenz... and it maybe me realise that i can nver find love... even if i try....

DEAR BLOG,

i once heard that honesty is the best policy somewhere... i think i was in a place where everybody was forced to go and they stuffed us in a room around 50 people and we all couldn't leave and there was a person in front the room talking to himself which i... no... we didn't care... yea... i think it was him who said the honesty policy thing... haha...

well... i never really realize how that made me feel... untill today... to be honest... i wasn't being honest at all these couple of weeks... i wasn't honest to myself... i wasn't honest to my friends... i wasn't honest to the person i loved/like... either way... i just wasn't honest... i write here today... to brake all the lies that told... to me... to my frenz.. to every1... so hear me out...

in the past few weeks... i was sad, angry and confused... i hide all my feelings away in my heart untill i couldn't take it any more... i feel sad evey night before i sleep... kept telling myself y i couldn't do the things that every 1 could... and the answer i always tell myself is becoz i'm just not born with it... kept telling myself that i can do... i can do it this time... and in the end... i failed... always wondering y a i such a loser... and so on and so forth...

but this is where dishonesty come in handy... i hid my bad feeling from my family so they wouldn't worry about me... i hid them from my frenz so i wouldn't c them from becoz of me... well... also not to worry them too... and this is where a fool myself... giving myself hope for the impossible... truth is... all of this was a lie... every single 1 of it....

love sean.

Today...

Today is a sad day... i don't know y but it is... this morning i went for class... i was alone... i don't blame any1 for that... i intended it... but after class... i went to to cafeteria for some food... i saw no 1 that i knew... it was like i'm there for the very 1st time.... like i knew no 1... it was weird and sad... to know that there is so many people in that university... and your still lost within it... in addition... my depression haven't quite run off me yet... and to top it all of... i was at home till i heard my dad shouting... i thought it was becoz of the dogs and all that... till i open my room door... my dad and my mom was fighting... my dad shouted at her saying " i hated when your like that... GET AWAY FROM ME" and my mom shouted back " u SHIT U.. I TOLD U SO MANY TIMES..." then my dad slamed the door as he walk out....

i always hated when they fight... i can always imagine how my mom feels when she faught with my dad... pain and sorrow... anger and agression... but something in her kept her those feelings locked up... for so many years... i never knew i have to face this kind of day.... and let me tell u... its no fun going through wat i'm going through...

i know some people have worst days then this... but for a some1 like my age to suffer from this pain and sorrow... y let it happen???

Dear Blog,

Something happened that day... i confessed and i proposed... and some how i should be feeling quite happy and all that... but no... im not.... for some reason... every time i think of it... it makes me sad... am i not trying hard enuff??? no... i'm just not good enuff??? no... i don't know anymore... maybe i should give up doing wat i should do... maybe nobody wants me... u know.. i told myself that falling in love with a self centred girl would be impossible... but i found a girl who saw me from who i am inside... and still... i can't... uuuhhhh,,, nvm... maybe im just unwanted by the world... even when people see me for who i am in the inside... maybe im just not meant to have any1... to die alone in this stupid world...

u know... i always thought that 1 day... my faith will lead me to the girl who will see me for who i am inside and not for how i look outside... and i finally found her... she was really the piece to my heart... that final piece... that fits just right in my heart... but some how... i.... i don't know... maybe i wasn't good enuff for her... maybe i don't fit into her heart... maybe im just not her missing piece... maybe it was just not meant to be... i don;t know... i guess i'll never find out...

love Sean.

What happened...

Dear Blog,
I did wat needs to be done today... about the string thing... yeah... i pulled it all the way... and i found out that at the other end of it was... well... nothing... it breaks me to find nothing in the end... i fell into the darkness of my heart... feeling sorrow and pain... all together cramping my heart... i was depressed deeply... but i wasn't showing it... not to her of course... but i never blame her for that... i guess its just a stage in life... its like my dad use to say... " in life... sometimes we fail... its is the way of life... but as faiure proceeds... we gain knowledge" or in other words... by failing we learn... not failing... well... not so much...

When i fell into the dark... i stayed in the dark the whole time... till i found light that carried me up again... and that light was my frenz... they saved me from being a broken man... as i got rejected... i didn't feel that bad... so i have to say... thx man... for being there...

Dear God,
I guess u heard my prayer in the last post... u did break my heart but it wasn't that broken... i guess believing in u was just wrong... i always thought that u will always set my path in love.... i guess i way way wrong...

I don't get it... y do u still curse me... i believe in u... i had hope that she'd be the 1... but i was wrong to trust u... do u wish for me to live alone??? now i'm starting to doubt that your helping me or not... thought my heart be broken... so is my trust in u....

Love Sean.

love struck.

for some reason.... love got me hanging on by a thread... i don't know whether to keep pulling on it or cut it off or just keep hanging on it... sometimes i said to myself... maybe u keep pulling on it and 1 day u might get to the end... but the string isn't letting me get wat i 1... for a moment i pull on the string... it starts to break but its not breaking... sometimes the string pulls me up abit... encouraging me to find out wats on the end of the string...

my heart and my head is confused now... each saying a different thing.. my brain is saying that the string is not letting me have wat i 1... so i might as well just cut the string and forget everything... but my heart says otherwise... my hearts been telling me that i should find wats on the end of it... either way u may find nothing or something... at least u tried your best doing so... i don't know which to listen to.... my brain is telling me facts... but my heart is giving me hopes.... i'm confused...

Dear god,
Why do u curse me with this life... i have nothing on me that atracts women... i have no love life... i only have money but i don't 1 people loving me becoz of my money... i 1 2 experiences true love... but i have this feeling that i never will...

God, i only wish for 1 thing... even though it may not work out tomoro... plz have mercy on my heart... though it may be broken... but plz break it with ease....
love Sean.

u know wat... i never thought i'd say this but i think i'm in love.... for some weird reason... yes... me... i do fall in love... i am human to u know!!! haha... u know... i always told myself that love can never be rushed... when it come... it comes...

i seen alot of people rushing into relatioships... i don't know whether thats good or bad but i never bother about relationship at that time... huh... go figure... but i always told myself that in the future... time will set me up with some who is right for me... the ONE!!! well... i guess its my 1 and only huh??!! ^^... and i guess that time has come.... and now i don't even know i'm in love or not.... haha... funny isn't it... ^^... i had dreams about her... i sometimes day dream about her... and i even get distracted by her... so does that count as love??? haha

Now i know that u people might ask " who is she??!!" or "wats her name Sean???!!!" and "can u give me her facebook profile??!!!"... and my answers to those question r...... no telling u... not telling u... and NO.... all i can ask u is that i need your help... so help me put plz??!!! wat to do??!!! i have no clue... plz... tell me wat to do!!!!